I have spent my day today with the main purpose of buying my present for my significant other in paddington. While there I met up with a uni friend to have lunch and discuss about our lives apart from university. This included lunch of which was a cookie sundae and a snack which was a bottle of coke. I really haven't eaten anything proper today as my meals consists of chocolate.
Okay, so were in the ksubi shop trying on a pair of jeans of which I will gift to my significant other (we are the sae size), where I have come to realise that the pair that I wanted is stocked also at General Pants, I mean whats the point of driving all this way to buy a pair of jeans I can by from my local shops. So instead I chose the more expensive, skinnier better looking pair which has now left me with $4.87 cents in my savings account. Going through the ordeal of having absolute no money I get invited for dessert with my cousins.
Going along with thats happening in my day, I drive to his work to pick him up but because of afternoon traffic (on a Sunday... weird) I'm late. I extend my apologise to him for making him wait 20 minutes. (Okay so if you've been reading, I'm in a relationship with another guy but I'm not gay. I'm bi.) After maxing out my savings all happy to see him, all he wants me to do is to drop him off at home and fuck off. I mean, uhh. I really wanted to sit and chat about his day mine; call me corny but this is who I am. We then discussed on the phone for a bit leading into an argument where apparently I treat him like 'poo and am very annoying. I mean WTF I'm only being nice. This topic as an argument has risen too much and I just can't take it. It's very frustrating trying to be with someone when your doing your absolute best and the other person is not liking it. He's just too hard to please that I've come to the conclusion that I don't know what to do anymore.
I would like some confuckingsideration of all the things I go through (which is utterly my choice of course - non obliged) but instead I get some add to injury. I really hate it especially when I try and sort things out with him then he hangs up the phone and refuses to answer (when I recall) unless I send a text begging to pick up. I do not like being under he's fingers. I'm not he's bitch. I just get really affected by actions like this that everything blocks out and sometimes I result in violence. Violence to myself that is, I'm not one to harm anyone intensionally or to take my anger out on anyone)
It just really upsets me when stuff like this happens because I feel as if I'm trying too hard for something that I can never strive to achieve.
This adds onto my insecurity about my relationship and if it's heading in the right way because he treats others better than he treats me. (Funny enough he admits it as well) I just don't know what to do. I'm whipped in love and it hurts.
So to get my frustration out I take up on the offer for dessert but intend not to buy anything as I have no money. This is when the consideration of family members kicks in as my cousin who I barely see because she lives in the other side of the country, pays for my $15.00 meal and gives me $20 spending money.
I just feel so pathetic that others have to put up with my mess because of my stupid mind set that makes in just decisions. I'd like to thank everyone that has had to pull an extra weight in order to assist me when clearly I shouldn't be helped. This shows how there is apparent good in everyone. I've just got to see the good in him and in myself. Where is it?
*Sigh* I can't find the original 5:01 version of this song but here.
No comments:
Post a Comment